The Silence

I sat there looking up at the table- there around it stood 6 men- each face seem to be serious-thoughtful- even almost tearful. As they stood there- I looked around at the auditorium containing about 1800 people and noticed as the silence grew so strong you could almost touch it.. It made me (forced me to listen) to hear the sounds of silence. I started thinking about how much it means to be here- surrounded by all of these people who are here for this one reason- this one 'event'- this one ceremony- a remembrance of all our reasons for striving. A blessing that causes us to want so much to serve Him with all of our lives.

I am basically kinda a noisy person...I like to talk- and laugh and play and enjoy life in a big big way. I don't mind loud shopping malls, ball games with all the cheers and noise...I even like being in the student center after chapel. :) Sometimes silence is scary for me-- I don't like being in my house when it is completely empty and when no noise is happening- I do not like going into an empty building where I can't hear anything- I don't like ANY scary movies- sometimes because of the silence that happens right before you know something awful will occur. Then there are times when silence is something I need- crave- must have- those times when I drive in the car and spend time talking with God aloud--those times when I need some peace after a long long day at work-finding out something that hurts me about one our kids--these times of silence are special.....but this-- this few moments- spent each week in a small group or a giant assembly-- these moments where the silences sends us- leads us-even forces us to --all of us, our family of God to stop and be silent. To dwell on the love that our Father and His Son had for us- the silence that is so special for all it represents. And I will be honest- each week by the end of my week- that special silence- is exactly what I need.... ALL I need. The Silence- we all need, we all gain from, we all desire, and we are blessed to share.

Thank you Dr. Warren

I never remember talking to him when I didn't walk away feeling better- I remember the very first time I ever met he and Susan-- we had lived here only a short time and one Sunday night at church- they invited us to a game night with their supper club- there were 6 couples and it was such a wonderful evening- Susan was a wonderful hostess and Lindsey was so special and sweet and such a dear soul. We felt so welcomed by them and knew that we would become friends.....Lindsey had known my brother for several years already and Jeff had told me that he was a great great man. It was wonderful to find two such loving and gracious folks who were literally full of the goodness of Christ. Later, I had the privilege of sitting at his feet in Bible class- he always gave us a great amount of things to think about- things to help us improve our life and our service. Vic and I never left his class without some great discussion and some great studying later.

When I coached cheerleading- Lindsey, without fail, came to me and the girls after ever game and told us how much he appreciated our hard work, that he was proud of them. That meant so much to our girls- after about the third season of this he came to me to ask me if he could do something to get a pep club started-- he wanted to see the school support the teams- I thought this was a bit odd for him but then he told me the real reason- he told me that it might be a great outreach. Dr. Warren knew that some of the student athletes were not Christians or didn't have the blessing of coming from a wonderful Christian home-- he and I spent lots of time talking about outreach to them. He loved the students so much-- it was the biggest thing we had in common. He would often cry when he was talking to me about some student that was struggling.... He would pray with me- when I begin to see my own life start to unravel a bit. Each time I saw him he would ask about my life and how things were going and then- I would get a note from him letting me know he cared. He was a good good soul. A man that I had such respect for-- a man that had so much respect for his Father- both earthly and heavenly.

Lindsey loved Susan- as she started getting sick- he really had no idea how to let people help him. It was so difficult because he had always been the one that helped others-- Eventually he let people in and I really believe the only reason he did was because of his love for her.....He never let on that he was hurting or that he was in any pain. He just spent his time taking care of her. Susan had blessed his life so much for so long and he knew he needed her to do the same as her situation worsened.

I would often try to say thank you to Lindsey for things I knew he had done- things that he didn't know to many people were aware of-- a letter here, a gift there, a prayer or a plan to help someone. He didn't want to be thanked- he wanted to just be allowed to do things for others...and this he did well.

It has been a difficult week for those of us who loved and were loved by Lindsey- When the world said good bye to Lindsey Warren- they said good-bye to one of our heros-- one of the kindest people I have ever known, one of our greats, one of God's greatest servants. I know that the greatest gift that we could give to this dear man-would be to be a little kinder, a little more giving, to reach out to those in need- to help someone who was hurting- and to do all we could to bring others to Christ. Our loss is great, our pain is real but Heaven is sweeter and our desire to be there becomes yet again richer.

the little couch

the little couch- I wonder if it will always be with me- I plan for it to be- in order for you to understand any of this blog- i need to tell you about how I acquired the little couch- One day several years ago-- I was talking to my best friend, Jenn- I was telling her how I had always wanted a couch in my room--but I had never had one- I told her I wanted one that was not giant but that would be cozy and a good place to write my book and a place to pray and that the only requirements were that it had to have "country" fabric. She and I had talked about it for awhile and one day she said- why don't we just drive over to the furniture store and see if they have one that you might want-- so-- we did- my mom was with us and we found the most adorable little couch- it was pretty soft blues and green plaid with a little strip of red mixed in-- it was perfect- and it was a single sleeper- It was the only one in the store that day that didn't come with a set-- and the owner told me that they would not be ordering any more of that type soon-- my mom- being my mom said- we should definitely take this home with us!! So we did- it wasn't very expensive and it almost looked a little worn but it was wonderful to sit on and it felt so safe and cozy-- This little couch was just a small piece of me in my house-- for those of you that don't know- I didn't do any of my own decorating when I lived in the "big house"-- my husband did- he didn't like my style and he didn't want my input-- so everything (including the house) was all about him and his very extravagant taste....everything until now- I had this little couch- it was all me!! I loved it- I convinced V to let me keep it because it was a gift and he said as long as it stayed in the bedroom and out of site of visitors I could have it....I was so happy with my purchase. Proud to finally have a little bit of me in my world. Now-- this couch-- no one can really understand what it meant to me as the years progressed- it was the couch that slept on when i was sick- it was the place that I wrote lots of chapters to what I hope will one day become a book- it was where I sat with my mom when we needed to be close and not be with everyone in the house- it was the place I literally felt my heart break when my dad told me about losing my mother- it was the place my best friend and I talked about her future and her love of the young man she wanted to marry-it was where I wrote letters to my mom even after she was not with me and where I felt most comfortable when I had a serious surgery- it was the place that made me feel safe when I spent 3 months of my life fearful to be anywhere else in my own home. I am now in a new house- a house that I decorated alone- all the choices were mine and it is quite country and quaint...but- My little couch--it is old and somewhat worn now-- reminds me of "the beauty of the velveteen rabbit" and yet- it is with me-- it sits now in my kitchen- a special reading spot for me where sunlight flows in and its comfortable feel makes me know I am home-Tonight- as I sit on my little couch to put my thoughts on paper- I can't help but think about the comfortable feeling that surrounds my life in so many ways these days-- The love of a Father in Heaven that watches my every step, the joy of friends both old and new, the safe feeling of knowing I am ok in my own home, the blessing of a work family that I am so close to they feel like family. My blessings are bountiful and my heart overflows with an inner joy that I have missed for so long. I am thankful for so so much----including my little couch.

God's tears

Tonight was interesting- I was having one of those nights when I couldn't sleep-- they come pretty frequently- I just am not a big fan of sleeping and sometimes talk myself out of it. So I decided that I would try to spend some time just being with God. It has been a very very tough week in our office- one of the major downsides of caring so much about people is that sometimes they disappoint you. I have certainly in my life had my share of disappointments from people- and I know how to deal with this-- you just completely and totally realize that where your strength comes from the Lord-- The Father, he is my best friend, my confidant, my true love. Just like sometimes a husband and wife or mother and child or friend and friend need some time to just really really be together- to let nothing else get in the way of a wonderful conversation- I needed that time with my Creator. So- I went into my kitchen and sat on my favorite piece of furniture- ( the little couch-- that is for an upcoming blog) I got my Bible and my journal and started writing- making a list of all the things that I wanted to say Thank you to God for-- things He has given me-- things He has done in my life- things He is teaching me....It began- before I knew it- my "list" was about 3 pages long and very detailed.... So I talked-- something I love doing and love it even more when the Listener really cares. :)I told Him all of my issues at work and all of the pain I had felt as I continuously deal with a friends betrayal and how I miss him-I told Him about how much I wanted to trust in Him as I waited on so many answers. As I talked I felt such a strong peace-- such a lighter load- really really. Now don't freak out-- I am not saying that all of my burdens just lifted and were swept away- I am saying- that it was that deep peace- that peace that reminds us all that we are close in the arms of our Lord- and that He will take care of us in the storms of life- even in the very tough times. I am so thankful for prayer- so blessed by it every moment. I realized as I spent time talking with my Best Friend- that finally the night had passed - the rain was falling hard and as I stared out the window - watching this beautiful falling rain- I thought back to a time when my mom used to tell me that the rain was God's tears- that He would cry over the pain that others felt....I smiled as I thought of this -realizing all that I had just given Him in my time with Him. It was a hard rain-- and after such a wonderful time in prayer- my tough week felt washed away.

New or Old

A few nights ago two of our newest friends came over to the house with Blake- Lincoln and Haley- they are two very precious freshman- who will soon (more than likely) join the XBX family. which sorta means they will become regulars at our home....because of my boys. I love this!! I noticed several times in the course of the evening that Lincoln would say things that were so spiritual- one of those things was that someday he wants to be President- I asked him why and he said something to the effect of- well, I just wanted to do something that would show the power of God...I know he doesn't know me well enough for me to cry over a statement like that-- but, I just wanted to. I watched the two of them lots and talked lots and felt that familiar bond start to form-I know that there are so many people that cross through my life- literally each semester new people come to FH and I get to meet most all of them and many of them become young people that I love and that even as I meet them for the first time-- I realize that it will be may be only four short years that I will have the blessing of having them in my life-- it seems a bit well....almost unfair. Just yesterday, some of my dear "old" college kids came in to visit me (Michael and Alyssa)- they are a young married couple- who I originally helped to set up. I love them both very much-they are truly special to me- one of the things they shared with me is some of the places they may live when they are both (she has already finished) finished with school- one of those places in Texas!!!!!! Not gonna lie- that sad and yucky feeling hit my stomach as I thought about them being so far away. I know going in to each relationship that I am 'risking' this yucky feeling. In all honestly- I wouldn't trade it. To quote a line from one of the great movies: "I would rather have 5 minutes of wonderful than a whole life time of nothing special." I realize even as I write those words- it is something special...the job I have- the blessing of these young people who I have the privilege of watching grow and become even more wonderful than they thought they could be. I also realize the great gift that God has placed in my life- by giving me these sometimes 4 years of being able to help them, care for them, love them, and yes, even teach them. I get to watch them in their great joys from a softball win to engagement ring....and I get to hold their hand through some difficulties- from a roommate crisis to the loss of a family member. What a blessing they are in my life-- I get the joy of seeing my own children as they learn from some of the most amazing friends they could have - as I hear them talk about staying up til 4 discussing a fellow brothers struggle and I love them for these things. I watch them as one young soul makes a change in their life by going forward at church and I see 20 or 200 of his or her peers surround them with love and care.

Each time one of them leaves me -- I say to myself- I will NOT get this close to another student and then there I go again-- loving yet one more 'child'. I cannot stop this crazy cycle-- and honestly I wouldn't want to-- I really do know that each time my path crosses with one of these wonderful people-- I give a bit of my heart away and yet--somehow- each time my heart feels more full- my life richer and heaven's future sweeter. I look at these two special young people- Lincoln and Haley and I realize that these new friends are as much a part of the big God picture as my dear sweet Michael and Alyssa. I wouldn't change a thing-- new or old.

I 'heart' good things..

I have just completed what is for me each year one of the busiest weeks of my life. Our amazing new Freshmen are here and moved in officially beginning their classes. Anyway-- before they all get here there are just a few things that I always must do....well, first of all house them....we are right now right at just over the 500 incomings students....and with the returning students we are talking about housing about 1300 people....so...that has been something that I have been working on for awhile....I love this time of year- it is a wonderfu time for me to meet our new young "family" members and do all I can to make this transition as smooth and enjoyable as possible for all. But believe it or not that isn't what has been keeping me busy...I am busy because I have 9 wonderful Residence Hall Supervisors that I work with, take care of and go to bat for....and we do our training before any of our students arrive....it is a blessing and sometimes stressful...but wonderful to remind them that they have a great job...a great opportunity to make a difference for young adults.....we work on our training and planning for a full day....and it mostly takes every minute of it....but it is good and enjoyable....and I am thankful for them- there is not one of them that does this job for the money- and yes, they could all do other things- but they see this as their own ministry- being a mentor and a friend- a confidant and a parent away from home. I have also just completed about 4 days....worth of training with some of the best people I know. I get the opportunity to work with and train and teach our 34 Resident Assistants......we spend lots of time together...get to know each other-- learn about each other.....praying together......thinking and planning and working on all the ideas we hope to accomplish....I spend tons of time talking to them.....telling them about what a great great job they have-- what a joy it can be to them and to others if they will use it....we go through extensive training and planning and find a bit of time for some fun....but these young people.....they are nothing short of amazing! They are special and they care about those they work with....they have to deal with some pretty serious stuff that goes on in the halls and yet they do it with a good attitude and a spirit of service....what a joy! I know this because- I see it or hear about it everyday. I grow to love these students each year....because of all that they do.....during one of the recent training days I sat and listened as they told what their purpose was- as they shared things like: to be a servant, to make a difference, to love those that have no one to love them, and yes, to represent Christ... and then we prayed together.....I sat and wept as I thought about the way God sends things to us at just the right time...when we are hurting or upset we look around and God has sent something wonderful......He is good. The earliest I left work during this training was 9 pm and I love that we are getting so much done-- the gift of these young people that I have been blessed with....the good things.....WOW. I can't begin to describe it. I watch the faces of these young adults and I see their passion for what they do....it gives me a feeling that I can only describe as good. I think this must be how God's heart must feel when he sees the good things that we strive to do-the feeling I have about these young people is so strong- so joyful- so overwhelming and I want to spend my life giving that feeling to my Father. These are good things... and I 'heart good things.

Just 3 calls and a question

Somedays are just tough…i do not know why I let these days get to me- I have most of my life, looked very positively at things and at people-trusting and believing that people are Great…but as I said somedays are just tough. This past Thursday had been one of those days— I had been prayerfully wondering where the good was-:) Work was tough- my co-worker and friend was sick-I had about 25 thank you notes to write and had not completed ANY of them, and to top it all off- I had emotionally eaten twice in the same week…and this makes me so unhappy with me. Ok…basically it was a bad day-
Well, it was about 4:00 and the day was winding down- I was working on some things with my amazing student worker, Kate- when I got a phone call from one of my dorm supervisors- she sounded a bit upset and after I listened a bit- I realized that there was yelling in the background. She told me that there was a young woman who was being treated unfairly by her roommate…..I do not get this situation alot..but occasionally this happens and we work through it—lots of talking and lots of discussion and a prayer for and with each other- and things are usually fine. This time the upperclassmen roommate was being very hard on her newly acquired freshman roomie- not only was she being pretty harsh to her- she also had the suitemates of the room being pretty tough on her as well. It was harsh— the upperclassman suddenly wanted a private room and the younger girl- did NOT get it….the young girl was crying and saying, “What did I do wrong? Why don’t you like me?” Those of you who know me- know that I am a VERY emotional person- crying in worship, at commercials, at movies, at people….. so this- well this just broke my heart. I tried to talk to the older girl- I told her that if she wanted a private room- I would give her one- but that I would move her. She was very upset over this and started yelling again….it was pretty evident she wasn’t going to listen. I finally had the opportunity to talk to the young freshman student- I told her not to cry- that I promise I will take care of her and if she will just hang on and trust me- I will make things right for her. I told her that I did not want her living in the suite she was in and that I wanted her to let me do better for her! She calmed down a bit and then she started crying again- she told me that she couldn’t move- her mom and auntie and grandma had worked so hard to set up her room so pretty and that they lived in Memphis and she couldn’t ask them to come back….or tell them that she was moving all they worked so hard on. Wow, what an amazing attitude- what a heart. I asked her if she would mind if I called her mom and talked to her- she said no and immediately gave me the number…adding-I talked to her, she is REALLLY mad. I hung up the phone and literally said a prayer before calling this mom. I was crying by the time she answered- not sure why- maybe I just needed a good cry, maybe I was a little fearful of my words, but mostly because I knew what this mom must be thinking about her sweet child dealing with this and how far away she felt! I spoke with the mom and told her that I wanted to call and let her know that I wanted to move her child- I told her that no one ever deserved the treatment she was dealing with and that I was going to take care of the young girls who put her child through this- in a manner that they might learn a lesson… I also told her that I was going to take her daughter under my wing and love her and make sure she found the love for FH that I had found…. The mom said- do I need to come there and I told her that I would take care of everything and if she wanted to come she could but that I would make things good for her sweet little girl. I also mentioned that I would handle helping her child move-she thanked me A TON and then hung up the phone- I immediately called the little girl back and told her we were moving…..to wait there and in a bit there would be some people there to help her. She said she would wait. I felt a little sick— I knew that it was supper time on campus and that most of my dearest student friends were busy with interface stuff….but I made 3 calls— 3 — told them the smallest bit of info— basically, there is a girl I need to move- she has not been having a great experience- and she is scared-I would love it if you could go over and help move her and show her how great FH people CAN be. They all answered with ok but not sure if I can get anyone else to help…. everyone is pretty busy. I told them that was ok- we could all handle it. I had a bit more to do in paperwork for the move and made a call to the new roomie- who was so excited to be finally getting a roommate. :) It took me about 25 minutes and then I headed over to the dorm- she was leaving- As I made my way to the second floor- I could hear noise— lots of noise-oh well, it is a dorm….I opened the door and made my way to the girls room— I took a peek inside and there they were— literally 23 people!!! 23 people…surrounding this young girl- with love and laughter and a desire to help. I couldn’t really contain my feelings and I teared up— I again realized the greatness of this place that blesses my life and so many others everyday. I watched as the whole process took place and saw this young girl feel the joy of friends and the peace of God through these servants… it was beautiful. I know this is a long way to get here…but- 3 calls and a question and a life is nurtured, touched, changed. I am blessed.